Sick to my stomach I try to put the words in a fine, fine line. They stop and they go and come back, but still wrong. I haven’t said a word in hours. I’m quiet. I’m still. If I move the tears will spill. Run down my face, but I can’t take it today. Tonight. Alone and mad, bitter and scared. Wishing bad things to happen but at the same time trying not to think at all. I feel dizzy. I want pills. Mood swings again.
Happy. Positive. Bitter. Mad. Sad. Hate. Love. Crazy. Relax. Scream. Cut. Pills. Hurt. Careless and then WHY.
I managed to put the words in a line. My thoughts. The words that are being said loudly inside my head. The words making me wish I was dead.
Today I realized that I don’t deserve to feel like this all the time. To have a handful of good days that don’t even last a full day. I thought about going to a shrink again, but I’m moving in two months so what’s the point. Today I looked myself in the mirror and actually found the courage to look at myself. It was only for a minute or two, because it was for that long I could hold my tears back. My focus has been all over the place. Mainly on my relationship which is still crap and not going any where. Today I decided to focus on me.
I met up with a friend of mine and my friend has just started using anti depressant pills. The conversation went fast over to my thoughts about it and I told my friend that I used to take them. It has been two years since I stopped. Two years because I could finally feel happy without them, and now I’m ready for them to help me again. I’m scared that the happiness won’t come back this time, but all I can do is try.
Tomorrow I’m going to call my doctor and ask for an appointment and tell him the whole story, my story. I can’t wait to feel lighter again. It has been so long. I want to wake up in the morning and feel well rested and smile. I want to be able to sleep without making myself stay up until dawn. I want to feel better. I can’t wait.