She did it

I’ve always been told I’m a survivor, that if anyone can get through anything than it’s me. Hearing those words have made me pretty tough, but also very lonely and some what damage. I can’t handle everything. Not without my Baileys. As I’m writing this, I am drinking Baileys so I can get over the fact that my girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend. Okay, some tears after typing that. My best friend was on the phone with me when she cleverly told me it was over, over facebook. My best friend asked me if I’m okay and I simply said yes. I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m alive – for now. As the clock ticks I get more and more anxious, because it’s sinking in which is why the baileys is my best friend from that point. 

I have two choices here: 

1. Since I’m already depressed and have tried to end my life more often than American changes president, why not to it now? She was the one person I have ever trusted, but more importantly: She was the one keeping me alive. It might sound strange, but what I mean by that is: She was often there for me, but at the same time she wasn’t. I had never loved before I fell in love with her and now that everything is gone I feel empty. There’s no reason for me to stay here, since I don’t want to be here. I’m not motivated to stay. I’m not ready to live. I don’t want to.

2. I drink myself senseless every day until I feel again. I can walk around like a zombie and smile to those who smile at me. Work, school, new people, friends and over again. It’s not tempting. 

I don’t know what I feel. I keep crying. I keep drinking. Surprising enough, I haven’t made a single cut, yet. But I guess when I reach the end of the bottle, I’ll reach the end of something else. 

Reklamer

thoughts

Sick to my stomach I try to put the words in a fine, fine line. They stop and they go and come back, but still wrong. I haven’t said a word in hours. I’m quiet. I’m still. If I move the tears will spill. Run down my face, but I can’t take it today. Tonight. Alone and mad, bitter and scared. Wishing bad things to happen but at the same time trying not to think at all. I feel dizzy. I want pills. Mood swings again.

Happy. Positive. Bitter. Mad. Sad. Hate. Love. Crazy. Relax. Scream. Cut. Pills. Hurt. Careless and then WHY.

I managed to put the words in a line. My thoughts. The words that are being said loudly inside my head. The words making me wish I was dead.

Enough,

Broken.

Exploding

I’m exploding. It’s been a while now because I thought I had everything under control. I was wrong and God how wrong I was. Things have happened since my last post, things I’m ashamed of, but also some good things. 

My girlfriend, who I have had a lot of trouble with, cheated on me before Christmas. As I am typing this, my tears run down my face. It still hurts and we’re still together. I have never experienced such a pain in all my life and let me tell you I have been through some fowl things. I’m trying to cope, I’m trying to forgive and I’m certainly trying to forget. As of this moment, my heart is close to exploding. I always think I’m ready to talk, write or think about it, but I’m always wrong. Overcoming the trust issues and the constant pain is difficult, but I try my best.

I know that I haven’t been the best girlfriend in the world. I know that I have certain needs to satisfy, but I really don’t deserve this. When I first met my girlfriend I was actually in a relationship with a guy. We had been together for almost two years and to cut to the chase; I cheated. It all ended up with me breaking it off with him some months after and getting officially together with her. I thought I was in for a treat. God, I thought I had won the lottery. Of course, I just had to «break my new toy». She was perfect, she was the most beautiful human being I had ever met. Somewhere down on the road I broke her. Perhaps it was my constant yelling or all the fighting. Perhaps it was just me, but it doesn’t change that I ruined something perfect. 

Since she moved here things have been hard. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept the changes and the fact that I had to share her with people she calls friends and I call assholes. I would like to think that I’ve done my best, at least for the last three months. I changed. I can’t believe myself, but I actually changed. I have never been such a good person, friend or girlfriend in my whole entire life. Of course, it’s too late. She changed, for the worse and it hurt. I always try to calm myself down. I always try to push her a bit away so I can breathe, because sometimes I feel suffocated. All I want to do is go back to the past, but I can’t, can I? 

Now, Christmas time. She kissed another girl, a week or so before my birthday. She was terrible, no she was evil. She treated me like shit and you know what, so did I. I just cried and cried every time I was alone, apparently I still do. We got together again after Christmas, things were awkward and I didn’t feel safe. I tried to talk to her about it, but the thing is that she never listens. It goes in one way and out the other. No, I haven’t forgiven her and I’m not sure I ever can because it doesn’t seem like she regrets it, at least not fully.

Before I met her there wasn’t such a thing as jealousy in my vocabulary, but she has done one or two things that ruined me. Now, I can’t stand looking at her with other people, not even those she calls friends. I can’t stand looking at pictures of her where people have commented nice or even things like «hottie». I literally vomited when I saw it. Yes, I have talked to her about it. She said she would delete it, but if it really bothered her she would have ask that same hooker to stop writing things like that, wouldn’t she? I’m so deeply in love that I won’t dare break up, even though I sometimes feel like it’s the right thing.

Whenever I talk to her about things she will repeat things I have said in anger. Words I have said to hurt her, just as much as she has hurt me. And she asks me: Why do you stay? This question shouldn’t be asked. Because I really don’t have a good answer for it. I love her, that’s why I stay. Honestly, I know it’s a stupid reason, but what else can I do? I know that someday I have to stop waiting for her to come back to me and actually find someone who only cares for me and not everybody else and their opinion. I just want to her to understand what her actions do to me. Because I don’t even know who I am anymore.

When I was together with my ex I know who I was. I was me, an independent girl. I didn’t give a fuck about anything that «didn’t matter». I was the boss and a good friend. I liked «good music» and knew how to dress myself. I was caring and had a lot of friends. I did my thing and people respected me. Where are all those people and qualities now? I lost them over time, I lost me over time. Now, I am nothing. I am just a soul wandering under the streetlights waiting for my beloved one to come back to me. To help me find myself. 

I tried to take my own life. I almost succeeded because I took around sixteen pills and an overdose is around twenty. I have never been so afraid in my entire life as that night I was suppose to sleep it off. I barely slept and the next day I got so paranoid that I went to talk to the school nurse. I convinced her that this happened to a friend of mine instead of me and she told me that I had to get friend to the ER as soon as possible, because she could collapse and die at anytime. It didn’t take long before I called my girlfriend and told her I was going to the ER to get myself checked. She drove as fast as she could, and brought one of her so called friends. It hurt. While we were waiting I got stomach pains, which I thought came from being hungry and I still do. I hadn’t eaten anything because I was far to scared. She yelled and was rude the whole time we were waiting and also when we finally met the doctor. It was a woman doctor and she asked me why I had taken so many pills. I answered; I was in pain and the pills didn’t seem to work, so I just kept taking them in hope they would work. She didn’t really seem convinced, but let it slide and recommended me to go to the hospital. I refused and yet again my girlfriend yelled at me. They took a liver test to check that my liver was still functioning and it came back alright so I was allowed to go home. 

Since then I was been thinking about why I didn’t react to the pills and why I didn’t die. This year have been the worst in my life and I can’t seem to figure out why God let me live. Is he playing with me or what? I feel lucky and happy that I survived most of the time, but I still want to hurt myself most of the time. I don’t feel like there’s any room for me no more. I feel like I’m here to satisfy people when they need it and just walk away when they don’t. I don’t know who I am, what I want and if I can continue this battle. I guess I should start talking to someone, a professional again. The thing is: it’s not going to help. I did it for some years and it didn’t really help. The last thing my psychologist said was: I have never seen you so low and depressed before. At that time I actually thought I was doing better, but no. I was lying to myself, just like I have been doing for these last months. 

I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I’m scared I’m going to end up hating my girlfriend. She has no interest of changing. She has no interest even though she says she has and even though she tries. I need her back now. Because honestly I have no one to share these thoughts with. I have no one because I choose to have no one because I am no one. 

In the fall I’m starting at some sort of boarding school college. I am excited and I truly can’t wait to start. I’m studying drama and acting and our study trip goes to LA and San Francisco. I can’t wait. New people, new life and hopefully a new me. I’m going to have a blast because I want to and for once in my life I’m not going to think about the consequences. I’m saying no to everyone who wants to bring me down, intentionally or not – they will no longer be a part of my life. That includes everyone. I’m done being a door mat. It’s not who I was born to be and it’s not was I am meant to be. I’m going to find that girl I used to be and this time she’s not going away. 

S.

Failure

Sociology class, it’s boring and I’m doing my best to stay awake. Even though I’m exhausted and tired, I have all this energy. I keep thinking about next Monday. Seven days. I always pronounce it with a creepy voice after watching loads of horror films. All I can think about is my.. Well, it sucks to say it, well, write it. My girlfriend. I miss her. I’m struggling to keep my tears in while I’m writing this. I want to see her. I miss her touch, her sweet hands that pet me gently over my cheek. I never thought I could be so in love. It’s a strange feeling and I find myself hating it more than loving it. It must sound weird when I say that I hate it instead of loving it, but it’s the truth. Seeing her leave is so painful that I can’t allow myself to show any emotions. I turn around, bite my lip and tell myself; Hold it in. Until it’s dark and late, that’s when all the tears come. I cry for hours and too many tears go to waste.

Ariel

Things would be so much simpler if my mom would open her eyes and see that the world is changing. Sometimes I can’t even see her in my life. I see myself ending high school, moving out with AJ and she’s not with me. It doesn’t scare me and I don’t think it ever has. I have known since I was a little girl that my mother would never be in my future. Because she cannot accept me, she won’t and she never will. My dad in the other hand understands me, at least more than her. I’m just so tired of this family drama. It’s so fucking out of date.

Ariel gif

Only seven days left. Shit, time goes by so slowly. Fucking Madonna lyrics. I need my beautiful girl. She’s lovely and even though we fight a lot, I wouldn’t switch her for anyone or anything. I mean, she’s the real deal. To this very day I still have issues looking at her or meeting her gaze. She makes me blush and giggle and it’s all so fucking disturbing. I love her. I really do love her. I can’t stand being away from her. I hallucinate that she’s in the bed with me. I can feel her and smell her all the time. Why the fuck….. Sight. I need to hang on……. I need to fucking survive seven days. SEVEN DAYS. Holy shit, I almost bit my tongue. I’m out of words and all I have is stupid feelings and thoughts. SHIT. I’m so blown away with the thought of just holding her hand in mine. I hate living far away from her.

Ariiel gif

This is such a failure, this blog and me…… and why. WHY. WHY. WHY. Sorry for raging out, but it’s I’m so close, but still so far away. I hate being this soft, but SHIT. SEVEN DAYS. FML FML FML FML FML. Shit.
I need a cigarette.