She did it

I’ve always been told I’m a survivor, that if anyone can get through anything than it’s me. Hearing those words have made me pretty tough, but also very lonely and some what damage. I can’t handle everything. Not without my Baileys. As I’m writing this, I am drinking Baileys so I can get over the fact that my girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend. Okay, some tears after typing that. My best friend was on the phone with me when she cleverly told me it was over, over facebook. My best friend asked me if I’m okay and I simply said yes. I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m alive – for now. As the clock ticks I get more and more anxious, because it’s sinking in which is why the baileys is my best friend from that point. 

I have two choices here: 

1. Since I’m already depressed and have tried to end my life more often than American changes president, why not to it now? She was the one person I have ever trusted, but more importantly: She was the one keeping me alive. It might sound strange, but what I mean by that is: She was often there for me, but at the same time she wasn’t. I had never loved before I fell in love with her and now that everything is gone I feel empty. There’s no reason for me to stay here, since I don’t want to be here. I’m not motivated to stay. I’m not ready to live. I don’t want to.

2. I drink myself senseless every day until I feel again. I can walk around like a zombie and smile to those who smile at me. Work, school, new people, friends and over again. It’s not tempting. 

I don’t know what I feel. I keep crying. I keep drinking. Surprising enough, I haven’t made a single cut, yet. But I guess when I reach the end of the bottle, I’ll reach the end of something else.