Dreams

I keep having the same dream over and over again. I see myself in bed with who that shall not be named. We stare at each other, smiling and tell each other how much we love each other. I wake up with my face buried in the wet pillow. Tears. I’m honestly considering hypnosis. I wonder if that will work. If that really can take all of my memories away. If I can’t experience that again, I don’t want to have any recollection of it ever happening. I want peace. The last words spoken was; Leave me alone, go be happy with someone else. I’m leaving it all alone and trying to be happy with someone else. It’s hard because my heart belongs to the person who doesn’t want me. It’s strange because as I see it; I’m a river. I can seem calm and gentle, but I can be pretty wild. While the person is a glass. Hard, but very delicate, can easily be shattered. You can glue it back together, but it won’t be the same. And now, I just realized that I’m actually the glass. I will always be the glass. 

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Dreams

I keep having the same dream over and over again. I see myself in bed with who that shall not be named. We stare at each other, smiling and tell each other how much we love each other. I wake up with my face buried in the wet pillow. Tears. I’m honestly considering hypnosis. I wonder if that will work. If that really can take all of my memories away. If I can’t experience that again, I don’t want to have any recollection of it ever happening. I want peace. The last words spoken was; Leave me alone, go be happy with someone else. I’m leaving it all alone and trying to be happy with someone else. It’s hard because my heart belongs to the person who doesn’t want me. It’s strange because as I see it; I’m a river. I can seem calm and gentle, but I can be pretty wild. While the person is a glass. Hard, but very delicate, can easily be shattered. You can glue it back together, but it won’t be the same. And now, I just realized that I’m actually the glass. I will always be the glass. 

Now

Forgetting someone is never easy, specially not when you’ve shared your whole self. As of now I am trying to forget the small things. Favorite food, color, plans – all that stuff. I’m trying to smile, to forget – to love ME instead of someone else. It’s harder than I thought it would be. Everyone else has moved on. It’s old news now apparently. However, no one truly knows how I feel and I’m not up for sharing it all. I must say I’ve been good. I have avoided social medias where I follow or have the opportunity to stalk that someone. I’m doing what I said I would; erasing all evidence. I’m going to lock it all up inside. I’m going to let my hate grow. In the end I will remember this someone as a sinner, a liar and a cunt. This is how I am truly going to get over what has happened. I respect his/her choices, but I will never forget the biggest lie, the lie I have marked on my body for the rest of my life; Always. In good or bad. And Lord knows it has been a lot of bad. I will never forgive that someone or each person that I consider close to me who mingles with her/him. I am done. At least trying. 

And so I wonder, would you take me back if I offered myself?

-silence-

She answers; no.

-silence-

These small dialog keep popping up in my head from time to time. Not sure why since I have no intention to apologize or crawl back to something worn and old. I can admit that my feelings haven’t changed that much and I’m not sure I’m ready to lose them – yet.
Dad called me and asked about Christmas. My stomach fell to my bottom and I found myself barely holding back the tears. We’ve always spent half at my house and half at hers. (And now the tears are here.)

She always knew when I was tired, sad, depressed, happy, hungry, mad and etc by just looking at me. I miss that. I miss to have someone who takes care of me, but who also know me inside out. I lost a lot, but also my best friend – who’s hanging out my ex best friend. I can’t even grasp what happened, but it’s fine. It’s just hard to watch her do so much without even think about the possibility to talk to me. It’s fine tho. Even though I know you cared, it doesn’t feel like it. Just look how fast you drink the alcohol in your glass. For every time you downed a glass, I cut with glass. 

My scares on the inside and out will tell my story. 

And so I wonder, would you take me back if I offered myself?

-silence-

She answers; no.

-silence-

These small dialog keep popping up in my head from time to time. Not sure why since I have no intention to apologize or crawl back to something worn and old. I can admit that my feelings haven’t changed that much and I’m not sure I’m ready to lose them – yet.
Dad called me and asked about Christmas. My stomach fell to my bottom and I found myself barely holding back the tears. We’ve always spent half at my house and half at hers. (And now the tears are here.)

She always knew when I was tired, sad, depressed, happy, hungry, mad and etc by just looking at me. I miss that. I miss to have someone who takes care of me, but who also know me inside out. I lost a lot, but also my best friend – who’s hanging out my ex best friend. I can’t even grasp what happened, but it’s fine. It’s just hard to watch her do so much without even think about the possibility to talk to me. It’s fine tho. Even though I know you cared, it doesn’t feel like it. Just look how fast you drink the alcohol in your glass. For every time you downed a glass, I cut with glass. 

My scares on the inside and out will tell my story. 

And so I wonder, would you take me back if I offered myself?

-silence-

She answers; no.

-silence-

These small dialog keep popping up in my head from time to time. Not sure why since I have no intention to apologize or crawl back to something worn and old. I can admit that my feelings haven’t changed that much and I’m not sure I’m ready to lose them – yet.
Dad called me and asked about Christmas. My stomach fell to my bottom and I found myself barely holding back the tears. We’ve always spent half at my house and half at hers. (And now the tears are here.)

She always knew when I was tired, sad, depressed, happy, hungry, mad and etc by just looking at me. I miss that. I miss to have someone who takes care of me, but who also know me inside out. I lost a lot, but also my best friend – who’s hanging out my ex best friend. I can’t even grasp what happened, but it’s fine. It’s just hard to watch her do so much without even think about the possibility to talk to me. It’s fine tho. Even though I know you cared, it doesn’t feel like it. Just look how fast you drink the alcohol in your glass. For every time you downed a glass, I cut with glass. 

My scares on the inside and out will tell my story. 

I see this as a competition. Sadly, I’ve already won. I guess I broke your heart and now you’re breaking mine.
I guess I can glue it together and pretend I’m fine. However, I’m in a hurry because the only thing I do is worry.
So, instead of letting my heart slide, I give it away to a person near by. 

You are cruel. You make me hate. You are pain.

I guess I should be happy since you’re far away
Blazing, alcohol and pills help me get by.

I’m so gone and far out in space
I hope I land soon, 
before it’s too late. 

You will drive me to my grave, 
and yes, it is your fault.
Don’t let them tell you differently,
because it is you who planned 
the assault.