You can have it your way, but don’t get crazy

I mean, where the fuck did God get the idea of giving people a brain who don’t use it? I cannot believe how people and betray you several times and STILL think you’re going to understand one last time. I cannot believe how someone who loves another person can think that way. It’s so selfish I am ready to puke my lungs out. 

If you’ve been a dick, so be it. If you’ve been a cunt, so be it. If you cheated, lied and played with another persons emotions, so be it. If you have one last chance to fix this whole mess up… Don’t waist it. FIX IT. I mean, how long do you expect a person stay if you’re this way? How a about a change for the good. Man, I get so pissed off. Instead of trying to understand that person and be loyal to that person, you just had to fuck it all up.

You’re not sane if you throw your so called «whole world» under the freaking bus. I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest at this very instant. I cannot believe how someone could still love a person after all of this, but it’s possible – for awhile. Suddenly you’ll start to have a change at heart. Thing that happened ages ago become important again and forgiveness is too hard because there’s too much.

I mean if a girl tries to kill herself and you (the partner) disappoint her by not being there when she needs you the most and this is the tip of the freaking iceberg… How can you not crave for a change, man? How can you not look yourself in the mirror every morning and promising yourself you’re going to do the right thing today. It’s not that hard respecting, being honest, being loyal and loving that person. 

I’m mad at the world and mad about how things are. I’m mad at many persons for many reasons. Still, I stay true to my heart. Even though my suicide thoughts often get in the way of thinking clear. Still, I respect, I am honest and loyal to the ones I love. I just wish some of them also did it sincerely. Without saying it like it’s a burden, but rather understand and in fact even feel the same way because it’s the right thing to do. Because you support the one you love. 

Man, I would give it all way to have something like that. I would give my life again just to experience that one last time. For a long time now I’ve missed these qualities in some of closest ones. Apologies that are more or less empty words. It burns right through me and leaves a nasty scar. I could say that I’m unhappy and I know my therapist would agree, but I can help hoping this will get better. It might seem like I have given up, but secretly I’m not only fighting to keep the fire alive, but also myself. There’s so and so much shit one can take. 

I guess the worst is hearing the words: Would it get better if I wasn’t around? I mean what fucked up question is that. Three little things aren’t the freaking world I’m asking for. I’m asking for three little things that I know you give to other people, everyone BUT me. I’m not innocent, but I’m not the bad guy either. I was, but now I’m the victim. Like in a CSI episode, left to bleed to death before being dissected. It breaks me. Not my heart because that is long gone. Not my soul because I kill it the instant I continued to take shit from you people. It breaks me, well what’s left or me after you all have picked and ruined the whole. 



Sick to my stomach I try to put the words in a fine, fine line. They stop and they go and come back, but still wrong. I haven’t said a word in hours. I’m quiet. I’m still. If I move the tears will spill. Run down my face, but I can’t take it today. Tonight. Alone and mad, bitter and scared. Wishing bad things to happen but at the same time trying not to think at all. I feel dizzy. I want pills. Mood swings again.

Happy. Positive. Bitter. Mad. Sad. Hate. Love. Crazy. Relax. Scream. Cut. Pills. Hurt. Careless and then WHY.

I managed to put the words in a line. My thoughts. The words that are being said loudly inside my head. The words making me wish I was dead.



The end

A strong woman once said that if you leave him and he comes back, well then he’s a keeper. What if you did that and he doesn’t come back? Then you’re screwed. I guess I’m screwed. It feels like I’m screwed, but I’m not backing out. It hurts all the way into my soul, but I’m done being understanding and sitting on my ass. I did the only thing I could, but it didn’t end well. I’m a wreck, but alive which is more than I have been before. I guess I just need to hold my head up high and think about the wonderful things that are coming my way, but who I won’t be able to share with the one I love.. loved.. love.

I’m not empty yet, but I can feel it slowly running out of me and the tears aren’t that many as in the past. Is this a sign that I did the right thing? Perhaps or perhaps not. I guess time will tell if this was the right thing or not, but I’m not backing out. I did my time. I served. I was there. I’m done fighting.
I’m done living like I have. I’m on the train to change. It hurts, like ripping off a bandage from a new cut. It stings like hell for some time until it suddenly stops.

I did cut again, this time it was deep. I needed it to calm myself down. No pills this time, at least not yet. I’m doing okay. It has been one or two hours and I’m doing okay if you don’t count the cuts. I’ll be okay. I just need to breathe. Just need to breathe. Just need to cry. Just need to be alone. Just need alcohol. Need to forget. Need to buried all the memories. I’ll be okay. I’m strong ain’t I?


Dear Galaxy s2,
I pressed some sort of button and suddenly you asked me what I wanted to do. There’s lots I want to do. First of all I want to take back things that I’ve done. Second, I wish everyone all well. Third and last I want to disappear for good. I feel like nothing will ever get better, I don’t feel safe. I will rather go back to that time when I didn’t feel anything. When I was numb. I want to be the better me. The me I know I can be. I reget so much and it feels like I’m gonna be sick. I am disguested with myself.

good music makes me creative

without any words spoken, we just smiled at each other. nothing else could reach us as we stared at each other. we were special together and yet so alone. the difference was that we were now lonely together. when sunrise came we went inside, laid down on our bed and he would hold me tight. I would close my eyes and wish it wasn’t a dream. because i knew i was happy and so was he.


Sociology class, it’s boring and I’m doing my best to stay awake. Even though I’m exhausted and tired, I have all this energy. I keep thinking about next Monday. Seven days. I always pronounce it with a creepy voice after watching loads of horror films. All I can think about is my.. Well, it sucks to say it, well, write it. My girlfriend. I miss her. I’m struggling to keep my tears in while I’m writing this. I want to see her. I miss her touch, her sweet hands that pet me gently over my cheek. I never thought I could be so in love. It’s a strange feeling and I find myself hating it more than loving it. It must sound weird when I say that I hate it instead of loving it, but it’s the truth. Seeing her leave is so painful that I can’t allow myself to show any emotions. I turn around, bite my lip and tell myself; Hold it in. Until it’s dark and late, that’s when all the tears come. I cry for hours and too many tears go to waste.


Things would be so much simpler if my mom would open her eyes and see that the world is changing. Sometimes I can’t even see her in my life. I see myself ending high school, moving out with AJ and she’s not with me. It doesn’t scare me and I don’t think it ever has. I have known since I was a little girl that my mother would never be in my future. Because she cannot accept me, she won’t and she never will. My dad in the other hand understands me, at least more than her. I’m just so tired of this family drama. It’s so fucking out of date.

Ariel gif

Only seven days left. Shit, time goes by so slowly. Fucking Madonna lyrics. I need my beautiful girl. She’s lovely and even though we fight a lot, I wouldn’t switch her for anyone or anything. I mean, she’s the real deal. To this very day I still have issues looking at her or meeting her gaze. She makes me blush and giggle and it’s all so fucking disturbing. I love her. I really do love her. I can’t stand being away from her. I hallucinate that she’s in the bed with me. I can feel her and smell her all the time. Why the fuck….. Sight. I need to hang on……. I need to fucking survive seven days. SEVEN DAYS. Holy shit, I almost bit my tongue. I’m out of words and all I have is stupid feelings and thoughts. SHIT. I’m so blown away with the thought of just holding her hand in mine. I hate living far away from her.

Ariiel gif

This is such a failure, this blog and me…… and why. WHY. WHY. WHY. Sorry for raging out, but it’s I’m so close, but still so far away. I hate being this soft, but SHIT. SEVEN DAYS. FML FML FML FML FML. Shit.
I need a cigarette.