You can have it your way, but don’t get crazy

I mean, where the fuck did God get the idea of giving people a brain who don’t use it? I cannot believe how people and betray you several times and STILL think you’re going to understand one last time. I cannot believe how someone who loves another person can think that way. It’s so selfish I am ready to puke my lungs out. 

If you’ve been a dick, so be it. If you’ve been a cunt, so be it. If you cheated, lied and played with another persons emotions, so be it. If you have one last chance to fix this whole mess up… Don’t waist it. FIX IT. I mean, how long do you expect a person stay if you’re this way? How a about a change for the good. Man, I get so pissed off. Instead of trying to understand that person and be loyal to that person, you just had to fuck it all up.

You’re not sane if you throw your so called «whole world» under the freaking bus. I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest at this very instant. I cannot believe how someone could still love a person after all of this, but it’s possible – for awhile. Suddenly you’ll start to have a change at heart. Thing that happened ages ago become important again and forgiveness is too hard because there’s too much.

I mean if a girl tries to kill herself and you (the partner) disappoint her by not being there when she needs you the most and this is the tip of the freaking iceberg… How can you not crave for a change, man? How can you not look yourself in the mirror every morning and promising yourself you’re going to do the right thing today. It’s not that hard respecting, being honest, being loyal and loving that person. 

I’m mad at the world and mad about how things are. I’m mad at many persons for many reasons. Still, I stay true to my heart. Even though my suicide thoughts often get in the way of thinking clear. Still, I respect, I am honest and loyal to the ones I love. I just wish some of them also did it sincerely. Without saying it like it’s a burden, but rather understand and in fact even feel the same way because it’s the right thing to do. Because you support the one you love. 

Man, I would give it all way to have something like that. I would give my life again just to experience that one last time. For a long time now I’ve missed these qualities in some of closest ones. Apologies that are more or less empty words. It burns right through me and leaves a nasty scar. I could say that I’m unhappy and I know my therapist would agree, but I can help hoping this will get better. It might seem like I have given up, but secretly I’m not only fighting to keep the fire alive, but also myself. There’s so and so much shit one can take. 

I guess the worst is hearing the words: Would it get better if I wasn’t around? I mean what fucked up question is that. Three little things aren’t the freaking world I’m asking for. I’m asking for three little things that I know you give to other people, everyone BUT me. I’m not innocent, but I’m not the bad guy either. I was, but now I’m the victim. Like in a CSI episode, left to bleed to death before being dissected. It breaks me. Not my heart because that is long gone. Not my soul because I kill it the instant I continued to take shit from you people. It breaks me, well what’s left or me after you all have picked and ruined the whole. 



Sick to my stomach I try to put the words in a fine, fine line. They stop and they go and come back, but still wrong. I haven’t said a word in hours. I’m quiet. I’m still. If I move the tears will spill. Run down my face, but I can’t take it today. Tonight. Alone and mad, bitter and scared. Wishing bad things to happen but at the same time trying not to think at all. I feel dizzy. I want pills. Mood swings again.

Happy. Positive. Bitter. Mad. Sad. Hate. Love. Crazy. Relax. Scream. Cut. Pills. Hurt. Careless and then WHY.

I managed to put the words in a line. My thoughts. The words that are being said loudly inside my head. The words making me wish I was dead.




Today I realized that I don’t deserve to feel like this all the time. To have a handful of good days that don’t even last a full day. I thought about going to a shrink again, but I’m moving in two months so what’s the point. Today I looked myself in the mirror and actually found the courage to look at myself. It was only for a minute or two, because it was for that long I could hold my tears back. My focus has been all over the place. Mainly on my relationship which is still crap and not going any where. Today I decided to focus on me.

I met up with a friend of mine and my friend has just started using anti depressant pills. The conversation went fast over to my thoughts about it and I told my friend that I used to take them. It has been two years since I stopped. Two years because I could finally feel happy without them, and now I’m ready for them to help me again. I’m scared that the happiness won’t come back this time, but all I can do is try.

Tomorrow I’m going to call my doctor and ask for an appointment and tell him the whole story, my story. I can’t wait to feel lighter again. It has been so long. I want to wake up in the morning and feel well rested and smile. I want to be able to sleep without making myself stay up until dawn. I want to feel better. I can’t wait.