Awkward

I’m moving to a new city, attending a sort of college boarding school to study acting on Thursday. I’ve started packing with help from my best friend. It went okay, no tears YET. When I got home from work I sat down in front of the TV and that show «Awkward» had a weekend marathon. I had watched some episodes, but hated it. Though, I forced myself to watch since clearly nothing else was on. It stopped at episode seven, season two. I couldn’t hold it back anymore after my best friend left. I needed to know what Jenna did and chose to do. So, I went online and started watching the rest of the season and at the moment I’m watching episode ten. Tears have been skiing down my cheeks as I’ve been watching it. Jenna has a secret blog and so do I. Though, she’s the one «cheating», but not really I feel so… exposed. After all I’ve been a cheater, but also cheated on. I cheated on my boyfriend to get the girl I love. Sad thing is that she cheated on me. Karma really is a bitch. 

This whole thing; my problems, my thoughts, myself in general, my girlfriend, my friends, my parents, school, moving, the show and my now done summer job are stressing me out. I’ve always thought I would be overexcited about moving out, even though it’s only for a year. I guess things are really just kicking in. What if I don’t get better? I mean, that’s the whole point with this year. Focusing on myself. I don’t ever focus on myself. Never have and now I have to do it without my friends or any of the above. Just thinking about it brings me to tears and give me a headache, but also heartache. 

Maybe I’m not ready for this. I can still back out, well as least I think I can. I have four days, well three, but actually two. My parents are gonna get so pissed off if I don’t go. Maybe I’ll get in some sort of accident that prevents me from going. I know I’m talking crazy, but I really hate changes even though I’ve been waiting for this one all my life. I’m not sure if and how I’m gonna handle it. I just wanna die a quick death so I stop over thinking this whole shit. Why. Do. I. Do. This. To. Myself. 

Ok, enough nagging and crying and back to the series for more crying.

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