No change

I talked to my best friend a few moments ago. It broke my heart to hear about her family crises and also when she asked how I am doing. She knows better than anyone how I am doing, but she asks so I don’t have to lie. It’s nice when someone understands you. I’ve been sort of emotionally unstable the last few months. I’m depressed, with good days that aren’t really good. I just trick myself to thinking it and it bothers me because I really need some good days. It sickens me how bad I feel about everything. I can’t even cry properly anymore. I’m scared that I am truly broken. My attitude is very different, after all I’m care to almost everything and I’m constantly irritated about things, even the smallest one. It’s driving me crazy. 

It’s been a month since I’ve cut which drives me crazy, but I want to stay healthy. I’ve lost some weight, which makes me feel good though I put it quickly back on. My body contantly hurts. My back, my neck, my head, my legs.. I feel like I’m a victim of a hit and run. My head is all messed up and so is body. Soon, I’ll probably start hallucinating or something. I just feel like shit and my thoughts about ending things keep building up, again. I don’t know how much longer I can take fighting a war against myself. It seems like it’s never ending. It seems I’m all alone without actually being alone. Nothing tastes or feels good when I’m alone. Most of the time I can hardly keep myself away from food and believe me when I start; no one can stop me. Problem is that I can’t keep it down. I don’t do it on purpose, but it literally comes up. It’s exhausting. 

Sleep, I need you before I faint, again.


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