She did it

I’ve always been told I’m a survivor, that if anyone can get through anything than it’s me. Hearing those words have made me pretty tough, but also very lonely and some what damage. I can’t handle everything. Not without my Baileys. As I’m writing this, I am drinking Baileys so I can get over the fact that my girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend. Okay, some tears after typing that. My best friend was on the phone with me when she cleverly told me it was over, over facebook. My best friend asked me if I’m okay and I simply said yes. I’m okay, I’m fine, I’m alive – for now. As the clock ticks I get more and more anxious, because it’s sinking in which is why the baileys is my best friend from that point. 

I have two choices here: 

1. Since I’m already depressed and have tried to end my life more often than American changes president, why not to it now? She was the one person I have ever trusted, but more importantly: She was the one keeping me alive. It might sound strange, but what I mean by that is: She was often there for me, but at the same time she wasn’t. I had never loved before I fell in love with her and now that everything is gone I feel empty. There’s no reason for me to stay here, since I don’t want to be here. I’m not motivated to stay. I’m not ready to live. I don’t want to.

2. I drink myself senseless every day until I feel again. I can walk around like a zombie and smile to those who smile at me. Work, school, new people, friends and over again. It’s not tempting. 

I don’t know what I feel. I keep crying. I keep drinking. Surprising enough, I haven’t made a single cut, yet. But I guess when I reach the end of the bottle, I’ll reach the end of something else. 

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Blood will be spilled

I’m in a war. My thoughts are getting the best of me and I feel like giving up. In only a few days I got more scars than I’ve had before. It has been years since so many scars have appeared on my skin. I’m done letting the thoughts get to me. I’ve decided to give up. I won’t fight it anymore. If they come, fine. I’ll deal with it. No man can fight a war by himself. That applies to me as well.

I’ve never liked the summer or any of other seasons that is. My mood is worst in the winter, though. I can’t wait until it all goes way. It sounds like I’m ready to end it all, but I’m not. I’m just tired of this battle and so I wave my white flag for all to see. I kind of feel sorry for the strong and stubborn side of me. That part is a target now, because my walls are down. Meaning anything can hurt it. It’s sad, but necessary for now.

I promise whoever who’s reading this: One day I will disappear. Run away to some unknown place on the planet and stay there for as long as it takes. Until I finally feel whole again. 

 

No change

I talked to my best friend a few moments ago. It broke my heart to hear about her family crises and also when she asked how I am doing. She knows better than anyone how I am doing, but she asks so I don’t have to lie. It’s nice when someone understands you. I’ve been sort of emotionally unstable the last few months. I’m depressed, with good days that aren’t really good. I just trick myself to thinking it and it bothers me because I really need some good days. It sickens me how bad I feel about everything. I can’t even cry properly anymore. I’m scared that I am truly broken. My attitude is very different, after all I’m care to almost everything and I’m constantly irritated about things, even the smallest one. It’s driving me crazy. 

It’s been a month since I’ve cut which drives me crazy, but I want to stay healthy. I’ve lost some weight, which makes me feel good though I put it quickly back on. My body contantly hurts. My back, my neck, my head, my legs.. I feel like I’m a victim of a hit and run. My head is all messed up and so is body. Soon, I’ll probably start hallucinating or something. I just feel like shit and my thoughts about ending things keep building up, again. I don’t know how much longer I can take fighting a war against myself. It seems like it’s never ending. It seems I’m all alone without actually being alone. Nothing tastes or feels good when I’m alone. Most of the time I can hardly keep myself away from food and believe me when I start; no one can stop me. Problem is that I can’t keep it down. I don’t do it on purpose, but it literally comes up. It’s exhausting. 

Sleep, I need you before I faint, again.

You can have it your way, but don’t get crazy

I mean, where the fuck did God get the idea of giving people a brain who don’t use it? I cannot believe how people and betray you several times and STILL think you’re going to understand one last time. I cannot believe how someone who loves another person can think that way. It’s so selfish I am ready to puke my lungs out. 

If you’ve been a dick, so be it. If you’ve been a cunt, so be it. If you cheated, lied and played with another persons emotions, so be it. If you have one last chance to fix this whole mess up… Don’t waist it. FIX IT. I mean, how long do you expect a person stay if you’re this way? How a about a change for the good. Man, I get so pissed off. Instead of trying to understand that person and be loyal to that person, you just had to fuck it all up.

You’re not sane if you throw your so called «whole world» under the freaking bus. I can feel my heart pounding inside my chest at this very instant. I cannot believe how someone could still love a person after all of this, but it’s possible – for awhile. Suddenly you’ll start to have a change at heart. Thing that happened ages ago become important again and forgiveness is too hard because there’s too much.

I mean if a girl tries to kill herself and you (the partner) disappoint her by not being there when she needs you the most and this is the tip of the freaking iceberg… How can you not crave for a change, man? How can you not look yourself in the mirror every morning and promising yourself you’re going to do the right thing today. It’s not that hard respecting, being honest, being loyal and loving that person. 

I’m mad at the world and mad about how things are. I’m mad at many persons for many reasons. Still, I stay true to my heart. Even though my suicide thoughts often get in the way of thinking clear. Still, I respect, I am honest and loyal to the ones I love. I just wish some of them also did it sincerely. Without saying it like it’s a burden, but rather understand and in fact even feel the same way because it’s the right thing to do. Because you support the one you love. 

Man, I would give it all way to have something like that. I would give my life again just to experience that one last time. For a long time now I’ve missed these qualities in some of closest ones. Apologies that are more or less empty words. It burns right through me and leaves a nasty scar. I could say that I’m unhappy and I know my therapist would agree, but I can help hoping this will get better. It might seem like I have given up, but secretly I’m not only fighting to keep the fire alive, but also myself. There’s so and so much shit one can take. 

I guess the worst is hearing the words: Would it get better if I wasn’t around? I mean what fucked up question is that. Three little things aren’t the freaking world I’m asking for. I’m asking for three little things that I know you give to other people, everyone BUT me. I’m not innocent, but I’m not the bad guy either. I was, but now I’m the victim. Like in a CSI episode, left to bleed to death before being dissected. It breaks me. Not my heart because that is long gone. Not my soul because I kill it the instant I continued to take shit from you people. It breaks me, well what’s left or me after you all have picked and ruined the whole.