I crave snus and cigarettes, junk food and sleep today. Today I want to work out, but I’m not sure if I have enough strength. Today is just a lame day. I want this day to be over.
I’m exploding. It’s been a while now because I thought I had everything under control. I was wrong and God how wrong I was. Things have happened since my last post, things I’m ashamed of, but also some good things.
My girlfriend, who I have had a lot of trouble with, cheated on me before Christmas. As I am typing this, my tears run down my face. It still hurts and we’re still together. I have never experienced such a pain in all my life and let me tell you I have been through some fowl things. I’m trying to cope, I’m trying to forgive and I’m certainly trying to forget. As of this moment, my heart is close to exploding. I always think I’m ready to talk, write or think about it, but I’m always wrong. Overcoming the trust issues and the constant pain is difficult, but I try my best.
I know that I haven’t been the best girlfriend in the world. I know that I have certain needs to satisfy, but I really don’t deserve this. When I first met my girlfriend I was actually in a relationship with a guy. We had been together for almost two years and to cut to the chase; I cheated. It all ended up with me breaking it off with him some months after and getting officially together with her. I thought I was in for a treat. God, I thought I had won the lottery. Of course, I just had to «break my new toy». She was perfect, she was the most beautiful human being I had ever met. Somewhere down on the road I broke her. Perhaps it was my constant yelling or all the fighting. Perhaps it was just me, but it doesn’t change that I ruined something perfect.
Since she moved here things have been hard. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept the changes and the fact that I had to share her with people she calls friends and I call assholes. I would like to think that I’ve done my best, at least for the last three months. I changed. I can’t believe myself, but I actually changed. I have never been such a good person, friend or girlfriend in my whole entire life. Of course, it’s too late. She changed, for the worse and it hurt. I always try to calm myself down. I always try to push her a bit away so I can breathe, because sometimes I feel suffocated. All I want to do is go back to the past, but I can’t, can I?
Now, Christmas time. She kissed another girl, a week or so before my birthday. She was terrible, no she was evil. She treated me like shit and you know what, so did I. I just cried and cried every time I was alone, apparently I still do. We got together again after Christmas, things were awkward and I didn’t feel safe. I tried to talk to her about it, but the thing is that she never listens. It goes in one way and out the other. No, I haven’t forgiven her and I’m not sure I ever can because it doesn’t seem like she regrets it, at least not fully.
Before I met her there wasn’t such a thing as jealousy in my vocabulary, but she has done one or two things that ruined me. Now, I can’t stand looking at her with other people, not even those she calls friends. I can’t stand looking at pictures of her where people have commented nice or even things like «hottie». I literally vomited when I saw it. Yes, I have talked to her about it. She said she would delete it, but if it really bothered her she would have ask that same hooker to stop writing things like that, wouldn’t she? I’m so deeply in love that I won’t dare break up, even though I sometimes feel like it’s the right thing.
Whenever I talk to her about things she will repeat things I have said in anger. Words I have said to hurt her, just as much as she has hurt me. And she asks me: Why do you stay? This question shouldn’t be asked. Because I really don’t have a good answer for it. I love her, that’s why I stay. Honestly, I know it’s a stupid reason, but what else can I do? I know that someday I have to stop waiting for her to come back to me and actually find someone who only cares for me and not everybody else and their opinion. I just want to her to understand what her actions do to me. Because I don’t even know who I am anymore.
When I was together with my ex I know who I was. I was me, an independent girl. I didn’t give a fuck about anything that «didn’t matter». I was the boss and a good friend. I liked «good music» and knew how to dress myself. I was caring and had a lot of friends. I did my thing and people respected me. Where are all those people and qualities now? I lost them over time, I lost me over time. Now, I am nothing. I am just a soul wandering under the streetlights waiting for my beloved one to come back to me. To help me find myself.
I tried to take my own life. I almost succeeded because I took around sixteen pills and an overdose is around twenty. I have never been so afraid in my entire life as that night I was suppose to sleep it off. I barely slept and the next day I got so paranoid that I went to talk to the school nurse. I convinced her that this happened to a friend of mine instead of me and she told me that I had to get friend to the ER as soon as possible, because she could collapse and die at anytime. It didn’t take long before I called my girlfriend and told her I was going to the ER to get myself checked. She drove as fast as she could, and brought one of her so called friends. It hurt. While we were waiting I got stomach pains, which I thought came from being hungry and I still do. I hadn’t eaten anything because I was far to scared. She yelled and was rude the whole time we were waiting and also when we finally met the doctor. It was a woman doctor and she asked me why I had taken so many pills. I answered; I was in pain and the pills didn’t seem to work, so I just kept taking them in hope they would work. She didn’t really seem convinced, but let it slide and recommended me to go to the hospital. I refused and yet again my girlfriend yelled at me. They took a liver test to check that my liver was still functioning and it came back alright so I was allowed to go home.
Since then I was been thinking about why I didn’t react to the pills and why I didn’t die. This year have been the worst in my life and I can’t seem to figure out why God let me live. Is he playing with me or what? I feel lucky and happy that I survived most of the time, but I still want to hurt myself most of the time. I don’t feel like there’s any room for me no more. I feel like I’m here to satisfy people when they need it and just walk away when they don’t. I don’t know who I am, what I want and if I can continue this battle. I guess I should start talking to someone, a professional again. The thing is: it’s not going to help. I did it for some years and it didn’t really help. The last thing my psychologist said was: I have never seen you so low and depressed before. At that time I actually thought I was doing better, but no. I was lying to myself, just like I have been doing for these last months.
I’m scared of being alone. I’m scared I’m not good enough. I’m scared I’m going to end up hating my girlfriend. She has no interest of changing. She has no interest even though she says she has and even though she tries. I need her back now. Because honestly I have no one to share these thoughts with. I have no one because I choose to have no one because I am no one.
In the fall I’m starting at some sort of boarding school college. I am excited and I truly can’t wait to start. I’m studying drama and acting and our study trip goes to LA and San Francisco. I can’t wait. New people, new life and hopefully a new me. I’m going to have a blast because I want to and for once in my life I’m not going to think about the consequences. I’m saying no to everyone who wants to bring me down, intentionally or not – they will no longer be a part of my life. That includes everyone. I’m done being a door mat. It’s not who I was born to be and it’s not was I am meant to be. I’m going to find that girl I used to be and this time she’s not going away.