traitors

Being myself is hard, sure. Trusting people is even harder, but giving people new chances are almost impossible for me. Occasionally I’m stupid enough to do it and when I’ve given that person a new chance there is no going back. Because I’m someone who needs the person be there at all times, sometimes I handle their absence better than other times. I just wished people would listen. When I finally agree to talk about how I’m doing or my thoughts, they should fucking be there. They shouldn’t just leave me in the middle of the mess – all by myself. Who does that? You don’t leave your kid in the middle of the mall all alone so why leave me. It’s not a bad example, but it’s not a good one either. I guess I have to stop giving people second chances. They come back and make you feel safe right before they tear you down again.

I’m not supposed to mention names and so I won’t, but today someone asked me who the most important person in my life was. My answer was very simple: Marie, Pernille, Ryan, Nikki, AJ and Christopher. They are special in their own way. Four out of six of them have never hurt me. Scared me maybe, but never hurt me. One of them you (reading this) know about. The last one is an old friend, so old that I’m not even sure I know this person anymore. You can’t always be right, I know that. Though sometimes I feel like I’ve been right the whole time.

“You can’t always be pushing people away. Someday nobody’ll come back.”
― Jacqueline Woodson, The Dear One

I’m so tired that the words won’t even come to me. It’s terrible. How could I let myself get so fooled, get so lost. I knew this would happen because it always does. I get far too depended of them and suddenly I’m the one with all the shit. I’m the one hurting and those fuckers never even know. Because I’m too scared of saying: Hey, douche bag.. that was my heart you stepped on. I’m done. I’m not, but I wish I was. I’m tired of hiding myself and my true feelings. I’m tired of it all. I just want to.. Fuck, you know what I want to. This was just a meaningless post. I’m sorry.

I don’t need them to be there all the time, just a little. Enough for me to feel loved.
Fonz.

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