thousands and thousands of scars

I’m hurt, not saying it is something new. Thing between AJ and I are getting pretty heavy, again. I mean these last few months.. I’m back where I was a year or two ago. Broken, hurt and so depressed that I don’t even notice myself. I haven’t felt so lost, but still functioning before. I wish I could wash it all away. The invisible scars because those are the ones that hurt. I can feel each and every one of them ache. It’s like they want some more siblings. I thought love was difficult, but possible. I was wrong like usual. It’s impossible and wrong. All types of love.

A week ago or so I started talking to a very old friend of mine. I haven’t talked to him in ages and I have really missed him. I caught myself thinking about him a year back. Starred out the window with this lost smile. I whispered his name, that’s when it struck me, I was lost. Chris meant a lot to me. He was my savior. My everything. That’s what I remember. Nikki concluded that I suffer from trauma. Mom and dad #1 evil divorce. Mom and dad #2 divorcing now. Chris, Markus and how I feel myself. Bullying. No wonder I can’t remember shit. When I say I don’t remember I mean like, Example: I remember I saw a cat, but I don’t remember when, color, where. It’s horrible. I feel horrible when people ask me if I remember something from long back. I shut down so much. I’m scared of opening it all up again.

What is Trauma?
There are two types of trauma — physical and mental. Physical trauma includes the body’s response to serious injury and threat. Mental trauma includes frightening thoughts and painful feelings. They are the mind’s response to serious injury. Mental trauma can produce strong feelings. It can also produce extreme behavior; such as intense fear or helplessness, withdrawal or detachment, lack of concentration, irritability, sleep disturbance, aggression, hyper vigilance (intensely watching for more distressing events), or flashbacks (sense that event is reoccurring).

I feel like I’m losing myself again. Oh, dear Russian poets. I know I’m not a good writer, not when it comes to blogs. I ask for your help. Help me see myself again. Where’s my confidence and trust? Why did I let it get ruin. I’m better than this. I am me, that only should be good enough. I’m fighting. God knows I’m holding on for dear life. I can’t take it. It’s all a mess, just like this post. I.. I.. I.. – Need to stop using I all the time. Weakness, that’s my weakness – love. It’s enough now. I got out the worst part. Now it’s time to calm down.

Fonz.

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