fooled myself

I’m done. I’m really just done. You have no idea how lost I am. I guess I have to say that I’m jealous of nothing and everything and everyone. I keep it inside, but it eats me up and it hurts so bad. It’s fucking crazy. I have never been the jealous type, but I don’t think I have ever liked anyone like AJ. She’s special and I get so afraid. I’m so tired of being afraid of losing her. I’m so tired of feeling like shit every time I see she has liked something or when I see she’s good at something. I’m jealous of her as well. I know she deserves someone loads better than me. I’m not going to start talking shit about myself, because I know I’m not all bad. Still, I’m sitting here 03.12 am crying. Crying over this stupid feeling. I don’t this anymore. These words.. I’m screaming them out inside my head. The worst part is that she doesn’t know. She is happy and i’m depressed and falling apart.


I would give probably anything to make this feeling go away. I feel like I don’t deserve her, but also that I’m destroying her. Like I’m making her feel like shit so she doesn’t know how beautiful she is inside out, because if she found out… she would probably leave me. This feeling comes up when we’re sitting with friends, when she comes up on my dash after liking someones picture on facebook, when she talks about people, friends…. AM I SO FUCKED? Really, I never thought it would come to this. Apparently jealousy exists in me as well. I’m struggling because right now I’m trying really hard to not cut.

I’m trying really hard to deal with it without opening up. I find it embarrassing because I have never been jealous and now I’m so jealous that I’m a few steps away from… I really don’t know. It’s that bad. So bad that I don’t know what I’m capable of doing. All the best people are crazy. It’s enough now. I can’t admit this shit to anyone. Not even AJ and she is literally my everything, my only family. It’s such a cliche, but I hope I die. A quick and reasonable death. It’s not emo shit atm. I have always wanted it. Tried to twice, failed. And now my pride.. my.. last.. I hate the sound of people wanting to die, even though I understand. When you have everything, but yourself.. It’s hard to accept that kind of shit.

Fuck this. Kill Bill, good music and some good crying waiting for me.