Heart full of wine

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone before. Maybe I have, but in the past when I would get like this, I had someone to talk to. Someone who supported me and had solutions.That person is long gone. He gave up, we couldn’t fix each other. It sounds silly, but we were so good together that it all ended in arguing and trouble. It was the worst part of my life.

Now I walk around like a zombie. Thanks to Alice who stopped me.Talked me down as much as she could before I hung up on her last night when she called me or I called her. I wish I had been strong enough to stop it. I have been floating away in my own thoughts too long. About four-five days now, it has never lasted so long before. It scares me. I need to make it go away, but it won’t. I hate this part of me. I don’t want to leave everybody or hurt them. I can’t manage to talk to anyone properly about this because no matter what I say I sound crazy. Maybe this is a major result of watching too much Criminal Minds, but I kind of understand what’s going on better.

You\'re the one that I want by Angus and Julia Stone

I need help to destroy this part of me who tears me down. I feel like I’m several people. I am me, someone else and this other part of me. I told you I sound crazy or maybe this is normal and everyone is crazy. I wish I could smile and laugh like I mean. I wish I didn’t miss human contact, but I do. I miss it all. I miss been taken cared of, it was his job. Now it’s hers and she is not doing a very good job, well usually she is, but when it really counted, that is yesterday, she failed.

I was all alone with my wicked thoughts and feelings.That’s dangerous for me and those around me. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m unstable, but I do need to be surrounded by people. I need to feel like someone cares. Though I know I have loads of people who care about me. I just can’t see that she does. That’s what matters to me. She needs to take care of me. I feel like a child when I type those words. I need to be taken cared of… At least I’m honest about it, right?

Oh, well. Two hours left in school. I really do sound like a child, don’t I? The apologies are on my side. We are currently talking about ethics in history and philosophy class. Well, not me. I’m listening to Angus and Julia Stone. Their songs are so calming and that is just what I need at the moment or for as long as I feel like this. Now we are talking about happiness. Shit, I really feel that I’m in the wrong place. I don’t know much about happiness. I mean, I have felt it a couple of times, but nothing major. While I’m listening to music and kind of to the teacher, my girlfriend is talking on fb chat. Wondering about what happened last night. I can’t bare to type what happened. I don’t want her to read this, even though she will at some point. It’s like everything is killing me slowly or softly like the song.

This is properly one of the most beautiful songs I have heard.

I’m so tired. It feels like I could sleep for several years, but I think this post it over. Enough for now. This fairy tale will continue soon, be back for the next episode. Hopefully it is a good one. It is something we both can smile about and laugh. I miss laughing. I miss being real and not acting. I’m so tired of being tired.

Fonzie.

Reklamer

Flashback

 Painting by Odd Nerdrum This have nothing to do with the picture. Rather the song Flashback by Fat Freddy’s Drop. Fat Freddy’s Drop is a seven-piece band from Wellington, New Zealand, whose musical style has been characterised as any combination of dub, reggae, soul, jazz, rhythm and blues, and techno. – Stolen from Wikipedia.

Now to serious business, I wanted to introduce you to Fat Freddy’s Drop. One of my favorite bands of all time. The songs are so exiting and they always tell a story. They express so much feeling and passion. Oh, how I would love to see the band live. I would properly start crying, well, I know I would. It’s so beautiful, so pure and chill. I relax so easily and feel like a bird. Freedom comes over me and I feel that I can do what ever I want without any ones approval. I have no idea how many times their songs have saved my mind from exploding. I feel so inspired to do crazy things when I listen to their songs. My favorite top three is: «The Raft», «Hope» and «Flashback».

Amy Winehouse Speaking of music, Amy Winehouse. What a gorgeous woman. I don’t think I have heard any woman speak so sensual and sexy before. As well as the way she sings, it’s beautiful. It crushes me that I will never see her live, like wise with my favorite band; Nirvana. Amy seems so bad ass and rough, but also with a secret sweet side. It’s strange to say, but i defiantly look up to her. Now, forget about her addiction to drugs. Oh, I just recalled that sometimes when I dress up, some people find me very much Amy like. I always smile when someone say that. It makes me feel… wanted, kind of. Maybe wanted is the wrong word.

Yesterday when I was «riding» with M, a friend of mine, I heard one of the most craziest songs. It’s called House music by Eddie Amador. The weird part is that usually I can’t stand music like that, but this song is so out of the ordinary. Have a listen.

Now it’s time to play some sims and watch some criminal minds. Good night, good morning and good day.

Insert brain here

About the title, I saw this sentence written on the scalp of Homer Simpson. It was hilarious, but also quite embarrassing. After all I was trying to pee and this picture was hanging in front of me.

I have been hanging out with P today. She´s one of my closest friends and we needed to talk. To air some of the things we find hard out. If you like reading and giggling you may check out her blog; http://theweirdshit.wordpress.com

My girlfriend is off to the Yule ball. We´ve hardly spoken today after a giant fight we had yesterday. I miss her, though I won´t lay down in the dust while she is at the ball. I´m so tired that I can´t even hear myself think. I´m not even sure I have any thoughts, goddammit. My eyes are baggy and my voice is rough. My hair is a mess and I feel underdressed. I keep thinking it will get better as my day goes, but nothing seems to happen. I guess I feel a little lonely. It´s almost unfair of me to say since I always have tons of people to hang out with or talk to. Still, the one I want isn´t here.

I feel like a wallflower, even though I´m not. I am currently sitting at Deli De Luca. People are noisy and it´s really warm inside. It´s getting dark pretty fast since winter is approaching. It´s still early, well afternoon soon, but still, it´s so uncomfortable. Being outside, with out meaning. I´m not making any sense am I? I guess not.

The making of the christmas gift
The making of the christmas gift.

Uh, i have to go back to P.

Fonz.

Volcano


Ever had a feeling that something is drifting away? Well, i feel that i’m drifting – a little bit too fast. Suddenly i lost my thoughts and i can’t remember what i was thinking about writing. It’s weird how the mind works, huh? I’m not sure how to explain this, but all i can truly say is that i’m tired. So tired that i fall asleep without noticing.

This weekend my girlfriend is off to the Yule ball in another city. It’s fair to mention that we don’t live in the same city to start with, but now she traveling even further away from me. Oh, poor soul and poor me. Back to what i was telling you about. A girl i’m no longer friends with is going to be there as well. This causes problems and discussion between my girlfriend and i. Oh, sweet Buddha. It’s really shit that some of my other friends are going, actually everyone but me. So i thought; WTF. I want to have a nice weekend as well. I talked to Mäli, who is my ex-girlfriend, but also one of my closest friends if she wants to sleep over. She said yeah and asked if she actually could paint my back. It’s weird to say, but she always nagged about painting my back. She loves the human body.

For you reading this; I hope i stop writing about my love issues or troubles or paranoid break soon. It’s not fun to read about this, but again – it’s not fun reading this blog anyways. Usually i write about anxiety, dreams, happiness, loss and okay, pretty much everything. Though, love is such a hard topic for me. I mean, my love life has been so fucked up over the years. The memories, well i try to forget not that it will happen anytime soon.

Let’s just enjoy the song. I’m done writing, at least.. trying to write.

Someone like you

Hello, you can call me Fonz. This is my ‘WTF’ blog or.. well, i have no idea what to call it, but here are some of my thoughts in words, music and pictures.

I looked over some flight tickets today to Amsterdam as a Christmas gift for my girlfriend. She didn’t seem that happy, even though she tried to tell me the opposite. She kept on talking to a friend while we were skyping, her ex-girlfriend in fact. I mean, i don’t have a problem with that – you know, her speaking to her ex, but still… after her not been happy for my kind of expensive gift… It was just a little bit too much. Don’t think that i’m overreacting because we fight all the time. I mean, it’s not a normal day if we don’t discuss or argue about something. It’s okay i guess, a part of my every day life and sometimes i even catch myself enjoying it.

My girlfriend is seriously not my type. She a posh kid and listen to music i would rather cut my ears off then listening to. She’s a tomboy and tries to be as manly as she possibly can. I don’t fall for girls like that. I like my «cookies» with some spice. An ideal girlfriend or boyfriend for me would be someone who loves music, poetry, art, writing and sweet, simple things. Oh, and he or she needs to be a little bastard sometimes, but with a sweet side. My girlfriend, if i can even call her that, is dishonest. She’s weird and fun, but still.. we should properly not be together. The clue is that we don’t choose who we fall in love with. Sometimes it last in love and sometimes it hurts instead. Oh, how i love Adele.

what helps

To sum it up; I do love my girlfriend. I sure do. I tell her everything, from the smallest ant to the running antelope. Even though she’s not the one i would normally fall in love with, she is mine. It’s not enough when i say that she is beautiful because she is so much more than that. I mean, she is not sharpest knife, but when it comes to end – she is there for me. Making me smile and most important of all – she makes me happy.

I honestly think this is the most cliche post i have ever written. After all i can’t stand things like this. I’m more closed and i push away my soft side pretty often. Sometimes i do have to be soft, i don’t want to push away all of my friends. Even though that is what i usually do. It’s like a pattern that follows me around, you know. I only have one friend from ninth grade until now – 5 years later. She is my best friend and the only one who truly accepts me for what i am. What i am will you know in my next post and if i keep feeling like this it will be posted sooner than it should.

Fonzie.

Heart shaped box by Nirvana