I don’t think I have ever felt so alone before. Maybe I have, but in the past when I would get like this, I had someone to talk to. Someone who supported me and had solutions.That person is long gone. He gave up, we couldn’t fix each other. It sounds silly, but we were so good together that it all ended in arguing and trouble. It was the worst part of my life.
Now I walk around like a zombie. Thanks to Alice who stopped me.Talked me down as much as she could before I hung up on her last night when she called me or I called her. I wish I had been strong enough to stop it. I have been floating away in my own thoughts too long. About four-five days now, it has never lasted so long before. It scares me. I need to make it go away, but it won’t. I hate this part of me. I don’t want to leave everybody or hurt them. I can’t manage to talk to anyone properly about this because no matter what I say I sound crazy. Maybe this is a major result of watching too much Criminal Minds, but I kind of understand what’s going on better.
I need help to destroy this part of me who tears me down. I feel like I’m several people. I am me, someone else and this other part of me. I told you I sound crazy or maybe this is normal and everyone is crazy. I wish I could smile and laugh like I mean. I wish I didn’t miss human contact, but I do. I miss it all. I miss been taken cared of, it was his job. Now it’s hers and she is not doing a very good job, well usually she is, but when it really counted, that is yesterday, she failed.
I was all alone with my wicked thoughts and feelings.That’s dangerous for me and those around me. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I’m unstable, but I do need to be surrounded by people. I need to feel like someone cares. Though I know I have loads of people who care about me. I just can’t see that she does. That’s what matters to me. She needs to take care of me. I feel like a child when I type those words. I need to be taken cared of… At least I’m honest about it, right?
Oh, well. Two hours left in school. I really do sound like a child, don’t I? The apologies are on my side. We are currently talking about ethics in history and philosophy class. Well, not me. I’m listening to Angus and Julia Stone. Their songs are so calming and that is just what I need at the moment or for as long as I feel like this. Now we are talking about happiness. Shit, I really feel that I’m in the wrong place. I don’t know much about happiness. I mean, I have felt it a couple of times, but nothing major. While I’m listening to music and kind of to the teacher, my girlfriend is talking on fb chat. Wondering about what happened last night. I can’t bare to type what happened. I don’t want her to read this, even though she will at some point. It’s like everything is killing me slowly or softly like the song.
This is properly one of the most beautiful songs I have heard.
I’m so tired. It feels like I could sleep for several years, but I think this post it over. Enough for now. This fairy tale will continue soon, be back for the next episode. Hopefully it is a good one. It is something we both can smile about and laugh. I miss laughing. I miss being real and not acting. I’m so tired of being tired.